Far Far Away from My Heart

It's been a while since I was feeling ranty.  I've said that before. When I 'disappeared' before.  I have mini-outbursts (often! Poor Mr. Happy gets to hear them all), but not anything that needed to get out, to get onto paper (so to say).  But, (in the reworkings of some BoDeans lyrics) -

this feelings coming on again

it's kicking, screaming deep inside me

I'm so tired of fighting with myself

so I pour another drink... 

Oh, wait... that last line has nothing to do with writing.  Or maybe, really, it does ;)  

A few things have transpired in the time that I haven't been writing:

1. Mr. Happy said we will never get the lake house I want if I don't finish a book.  Since I am still massively affected by writer's block (which translates as hatred of all content thus far and a crushing stupidity of needing to be brilliant instead of just needing to write - thank you Facebook status posts and Twitter tweets for ruining my writing abilities!), I've decided that daily writing of something is necessary rather than just avoiding the whole issue of undesirable content and a blandness that has enveloped my life.  And by something, I do not mean the length of a witty FB post or diatribe that has been my only venue of recent days (months...)...
2. I've watched a couple movies lately that have motivated me to be inspired again (to be clear, I just said... motivated me to be inspired, not actually inspired). Mr. Nobody for it's take on the multiple paths in life we can take - I've always been fascinated by this, which is in part why I think I loved the book One by Richard Bach so much, so many years ago, when I read it the first time.  As a teen, I had a poster of a girl at a fork in the road with signs that said something about the path taken and the path not no longer being an option.  Can't remember it's exacts - the point was just that the multiple options we have in life has always intrigued me. Plus, I've got Jared Leto obsession going right now and he's in the movie.  Stuck in Love wasn't necessarily a great movie, but I really liked it and the measures of writing daily, of experiencing life and of loving deeply struck a cord with me. Enemy is one of the weirdest damn movies I've seen in a while - but the twisted lucid dream-like state of the thing brought me back to a time period when I was reading guys like Kafka and Sartre.  Or maybe I just thought it was a schizophrenia thing and liked the concept and bizarre imagery.  Watch the movie and you decide. Regardless, it was a movie that made me think - what am I doing?  I still have freaky dreams but I do nothing with them.  I still have brilliance surface once in a while but I do nothing with it.  People are making art, following their ideas, doing something.  I'm a glorified data junkie, making muffins and picking my kids up from activities.  No art resides here anymore.  That's kind of sad.  Like I said... a blandness has enveloped my life.
3. I've reconnected with music recently.  Music has always been a major influence on my life, my moods, my 'me'.  While I've fallen in love with some amazing voices and enjoyed a few songs - none have inspired my obsession lately.  And I love being obsessed by a band or singer - I love music that moves and affects me, not that I just like or enjoy.  In comes Thirty Seconds to Mars.  I'd heard a couple songs by them during their This is War album time period but hadn't really delved into them - then an article appeared online about the actor/musician cross-over.  Hello Jared Leto - you have a band?  Even more shocked, you have a band that I knew of.  So I started listening to more songs and liked the music.  Flash forward a few months and they are coming to town. Started listening to the newest album (Love Lust Faith +Dreams) and a daily obsession began for me and for my family as I felt the need to infuse the music into their lives since I wanted to go hear the band live.  I simply love Jared Leto's voice, love the lyrics, love the passion in the music, love the sound of the instruments, sometimes behind/sometimes in the forefront, of the songs.   I'm not a fan of their very first album and only like a few songs from the second (A Beautiful Lie) - but This is War and LLFD are amazing.  I cannot help myself but to play it very loud, with the top down on the convertible, singing at the top of my lungs.  It's put me in a pretty darn good mood lately. The added plus to this is that Mr. Chatterbox and Little Miss Sassy Pants loves them too - I love us enjoying the same music.  I think Mr. Happy and Mr. Cheerful are tired of the repeat play, but they will live - it makes me happy. *grin*
4. And then I started watching the music videos and peeled back a few more layers of Jared Leto content as a director (Bartholomew Cubbins), a photographer, an activist, a promoter, etc.  Oh, and Mr. Nobody, the movie I mentioned above.  Which leads into the Jared Leto obsession. You simply need to see Artifact.  It is appalling to me what I learned about labels (the record companies) and how artists get paid (of course, countered by the fact that we are just seeing one perspective of it (heaven forbid I not see, or point out, the reality of all situations)).  Or more to the point - what they don't get paid on... their albums.  It gives me a new understanding for why concert ticket prices are so darn high.  You also need to check out VyRT.  It is the beta stages of a social experience with musicians that Jared Leto created (or maybe just thought of - I don't think he's the technology behind it, just think he's the vision and push behind it).  Seeing what he is doing there combined with watching Artifact and witnessing his FB posts, tweets, instagram uploads, etc. to be connected with his fans (Echelon!) - I have a great respect for what he is doing, as an artist, to promote the band, his causes, and himself.  He is setting the bar high for musicians to establish a relationship with their listeners and I'm excited to see where VyRT goes as it transforms from a 30STMs platform to a venue for other artists. He's also tweeted about music he's listening to which has put me onto the singer Banks who also has a very haunting sound and songs I'm intrigued by.  That right there is the power to influence and I hope to see musicians that I like share more of what they like. Anyways, learning more about Jared Leto and seeing what he has done has also motivated me to be inspired.  Like he seems to be.  I want that drive and passion back in myself.
5. I've been someone else lately. With all the 'positive is a choice you make', criticism I've spent a life time hearing about my personality and self-help about being a better person that circulates the web and at work, I've been shoving so much down inside rather than getting it out that I think I'm going to burst.  I've been trying so hard to always do the right thing, not say what pops in my head (having a filter is sooooo exhausting) and play nicely with others.   I've been trying to be a positive person instead of my pessimistic, realist, negative self.  I'm kinda done with that.  You know what? If being positive is a choice I make in every situation then all you happy people can also chose to be realistic or chose to have a negative reaction to something - just the same as I do.  But you don't, because what comes naturally to you is positive.  What comes naturally to me is cynicism, skeptical instincts and dark twistiness.  That said... even being all that - I actually am happy.  Ranting makes me happy.  Being a realist makes me happy. My husband and kids make me happy.  It isn't a choice to be positive or negative - we are who we are so stop trying to make me you!  A recent FB challenge really brought it to home for me - I was challenged to write three positive things a day for 5 days.  Here is how my first day went: 1) I think it is fantastic that some people are happy, early-risers as they are the coffee makers for the remaining 76% of us.  2) I do not fart rainbows and unicorns. This is actually a very positive thing-can you really imagine hyper-spaz me on happy dust?  3) The apocalypse has not happened, therefore I get to live and breath another day. Wait... This one might not wholly count as positive *grin*.  Day 2 started with this: 1) I drove home without yelling at anyone to learn the zipper merge.  See where I'm going here?  This is me on positive.  I'll say it again... stop trying to make me you - I'm quite happy with me how I am.  (Or at least right this moment as I'm typing this; I will go back to my self-hatred after the euphoria of my daily writing pledge wears off).
6. A rude email this morning worked as a catalyst to make me want to rant and retaliate but societal constraints prevented me from actually sending the well crafted response that I had.  I hate deleting good content.  So, while I couldn't hit send, I can blog *grin*  It will be it's own blog post shortly (or maybe tomorrow, I think I've hit the time limit on my daily allotted requirement to write, journal, rant or be creative in some way). 
7. I miss baking.  It was a cathartic way for me to feel good about something I can do.  It will be part of my expressive outlet, not just writing daily.  So I might share some recipes. Or I might not.  That's one of the books that never got finished... a recipe book that started during the time frame that Mr. Cheerful went gluten-free.  He is now back on a normal diet and food allergy free (he still has a couple meds that have an anaphylactic reaction that we will not even think about challenging - avoidance is far safer).  So I can breath again (no fear can do that for you - seriously, if someone accidentally feeds my child medicine then he shouldn't have been with them in the first place...).  Which makes me want to bake, and write, again.  But that is a post of it's own, as well, that I am not writing today.
8. I have a very personal issue/fear that I faced recently and have to face again in the very near future that has affected my heart, my thoughts and my energy.  It makes me want to get shit out, say what I want to say and be who I am.  Life is so very, very short so why do I keep waiting to live mine until after the kids do this or that.  I need to redefine what it is I want for my life and then sculpt it into the life that we as a family have.  How can I tell my kids to live to their fullest if the example I'm setting is to sacrifice everything I want for someone else?  In the words of 30STM... it's time to Do or Die (except that is one of my least favorite songs - so that we are all on the same page about it...)

So... here I am.  Back for a while, ranting along.  A friend told me to know who my audience is for this blog.  Well, frankly, it's me and, hopefully, my family.  So, I hope you enjoy the ride if you are following along for it will not be focused to a single topic or premise - it will be whatever pops in my head at any given moment that I feel the need to get out because I'm actually inspired or societal norms won't let me do it where I want to (email, verbally, etc.).  Gloves off, not afraid to hurt anyone's feelings, deal with it... that'll be me, on here, for a while.  Maybe. *grin*

Let's talk politics...

First... politics on Facebook... I've been disheartened by what I've been seeing on Facebook lately.  By the articles and news stories it seems that most of America is afflicted, not just my circle of connections.  A friend recently posted that she couldn't take all the negative, hateful words anymore and was going offline from Facebook until after the elections.  I was bummed by the thought of not having any regular interactions, as she is one of my daily peeps, but totally empathized with how she was feeling.  Rather than abiding by proper manners and etiquette, Facebook has empowered users to put at big 6 ft. sign in their front yard by means of cover/banner photos, profile photos and no pause to censor oneself on status updates.  Don't get me wrong, I have, and will continue to, post my political opinions, Like pages of specific politicians or causes, and RSVP for events for said politicians or causes that I believe in.  I'm an open book and not embarrassed by anyone knowing my views.  I will also readily engage in politic discussions.  The thing is, I do so in a respectful  manner that appreciates that everyone is entitled to their own opinions.  What has become of issue is the diatribes people are posting in which they accuse the party they aren't supporting as being evil, against our country, un-American, etc. and then go on to personally attack anyone that disagrees with them.  I've had friends threatening to unfriend other friends because they just can't believe the viewpoints said person has.  When did we become a society that values only one viewpoint.  I grew up believing that all people are different and each has a right to their own opinions.  I have many friends, and in-laws even, that have very, very different stances on some of the issues we are faced with voting on this year.  While I don't agree with them, I totally respect that they come to the booth with their own personal history, values and conscience.  That makes it okay.  We can disagree without it ending our relationship.  Seems to no longer be the case on FB.  I also believe that passion behind your beliefs is awesome, as long as you still respect that not everyone is the same and not vilify them for it.

Now let's talk about those actual 6 ft. signs.  Well, no...not really.  I have no issue with the 6 ft. signs.  A  friend actually has several in her front yard.  I completely disagree with a couple of them (particularly one that is an issue up for State Constitutional Amendment) but think she is a great location for it to be placed as it is in full view of the freeway.  I only hope she charged all the political parties that saw the amazing possibility her yard presents!  Little Miss Sassy Pants and I got into a heated discussion of this when she made the mistake of saying to me that the person was wrong.  I emphatically explained to her that it is absolutely ok to say that an issue is wrong, but not the person.  Every person has a right to their own view - no matter how warped and twisted we think it is.

And then there is the nastiness that surrounds the normal sized yard signs.  At a cross section where I get off the freeway after work daily, the political advocates have been placing signs.  Good location, well thought out.  Except then the shenanigans started up... it started with a Vote No sign being placed there.  Shortly after the Vote Yes sign was up and the Vote No was gone.  That didn't sit well with me.  Next day, Vote No was back up and Vote Yes had not been touched.  Then the Vote No sign was gone again.  This kinda ticked me off as it was obvious that Vote Yes was removing Vote No's sign.  Next day the Vote No was back and the Vote Yes was gone.  I was no longer ticked, I was now livid - the Vote No people had sunk to the Vote Yes people's underhanded dirty tricks.  Seriously... why can't we all have our viewpoints without the nastiness?  After several back and forth now it appears that both are gone.  I'm thinking it would be nice if it stays that way!

Finally, let's circle back around to the Facebook your party vs. my party issue that is going on.  This is really flippin' simple.  Stop thinking in a mentality of a two-party system.   As long as you think in that mentality, your only option is this guy or that guy.  Ugghh!  How sickening is that?  There are not only two parties.  There are not only two candidates.  There ARE other options.  I personally have been more aligned with the Libertarian party the past several voting spells.  And that is how I've voted - based on how I actually believe - not on the 'lesser of two evils' mentality.  That is so frickin' bogus.  And I've heard a thousand times over that I'm just throwing away my vote,  But here's the thing, I would rather vote by what I believe in and stand for, than align myself with someone that I don't.  Plus, we are never going to see the change in our system if we keep that mentality - that there are only two choices.  There will continue to only be 2 choices until America wakes up and says they are done with it by voting for candidates that are not Democrat or Republican.  Does that mean you/your guy may not win this election or even the next - yes, probably.  But by taking a stand and making the change, over time we WILL see a difference.  Our children will then be able to vote based on candidate, not based on a 2 'major' party system.  The Mahatma Gandhi quote "Be the change you want to see in the world" is splayed all over the place and it totally fits - BE the change you want to see in this world.  It is only if we change that then the system will also change - and our system IS broken.  Stop saying the quote and start living it.

I'm done... but Little Miss Sassy Pants has something to say on this too...

My Point

on Politics

Imagine a painting, that while standing several feet away is an expansive, beautiful landscape but when you step in a few steps becomes a jumble of different colored dots. This is the concept of pointillism, in which thousands or more small points come together to make the picture that people admire from afar.

America is that landscape painting that people are admiring; people from within and outside its borders. From a distance they, like the art critic, will see the overall picture, and like pointillism, when they look closer can see each individual person, or dot each a specific color and shade that add to the overall piece. Lately though, more and more of these dots are all the same two colors: red and blue, Republican and Democrat.

Without the many shades and hues of all the colors, a pointillist painting will never come together to look like anything other than dots jumbled together, and in the same way, America will never be a beautiful country without the many colors of people. If we accept the constraints of two parties, our views will never be correctly expressed by our leaders, and for the “land of the free”  and the “home of the brave”  that isn’t a good enough option.

We can make a better painting of America, but first, we must vary our colors, and branch out to the edge of our horizons till we find a better fit for our own opinions, because without the first step towards changing our color scheme from red and blue to the expanse of a rainbow we will never make it to that point. So, dig through the crayon box, look at all the colors this time...Slate, Tangerine, Magenta, Green, Libertarian, Independent, Constitution.., and together we can paint a better picture.