Far Far Away from My Heart

It's been a while since I was feeling ranty.  I've said that before. When I 'disappeared' before.  I have mini-outbursts (often! Poor Mr. Happy gets to hear them all), but not anything that needed to get out, to get onto paper (so to say).  But, (in the reworkings of some BoDeans lyrics) -

this feelings coming on again

it's kicking, screaming deep inside me

I'm so tired of fighting with myself

so I pour another drink... 

Oh, wait... that last line has nothing to do with writing.  Or maybe, really, it does ;)  

A few things have transpired in the time that I haven't been writing:

1. Mr. Happy said we will never get the lake house I want if I don't finish a book.  Since I am still massively affected by writer's block (which translates as hatred of all content thus far and a crushing stupidity of needing to be brilliant instead of just needing to write - thank you Facebook status posts and Twitter tweets for ruining my writing abilities!), I've decided that daily writing of something is necessary rather than just avoiding the whole issue of undesirable content and a blandness that has enveloped my life.  And by something, I do not mean the length of a witty FB post or diatribe that has been my only venue of recent days (months...)...
2. I've watched a couple movies lately that have motivated me to be inspired again (to be clear, I just said... motivated me to be inspired, not actually inspired). Mr. Nobody for it's take on the multiple paths in life we can take - I've always been fascinated by this, which is in part why I think I loved the book One by Richard Bach so much, so many years ago, when I read it the first time.  As a teen, I had a poster of a girl at a fork in the road with signs that said something about the path taken and the path not no longer being an option.  Can't remember it's exacts - the point was just that the multiple options we have in life has always intrigued me. Plus, I've got Jared Leto obsession going right now and he's in the movie.  Stuck in Love wasn't necessarily a great movie, but I really liked it and the measures of writing daily, of experiencing life and of loving deeply struck a cord with me. Enemy is one of the weirdest damn movies I've seen in a while - but the twisted lucid dream-like state of the thing brought me back to a time period when I was reading guys like Kafka and Sartre.  Or maybe I just thought it was a schizophrenia thing and liked the concept and bizarre imagery.  Watch the movie and you decide. Regardless, it was a movie that made me think - what am I doing?  I still have freaky dreams but I do nothing with them.  I still have brilliance surface once in a while but I do nothing with it.  People are making art, following their ideas, doing something.  I'm a glorified data junkie, making muffins and picking my kids up from activities.  No art resides here anymore.  That's kind of sad.  Like I said... a blandness has enveloped my life.
3. I've reconnected with music recently.  Music has always been a major influence on my life, my moods, my 'me'.  While I've fallen in love with some amazing voices and enjoyed a few songs - none have inspired my obsession lately.  And I love being obsessed by a band or singer - I love music that moves and affects me, not that I just like or enjoy.  In comes Thirty Seconds to Mars.  I'd heard a couple songs by them during their This is War album time period but hadn't really delved into them - then an article appeared online about the actor/musician cross-over.  Hello Jared Leto - you have a band?  Even more shocked, you have a band that I knew of.  So I started listening to more songs and liked the music.  Flash forward a few months and they are coming to town. Started listening to the newest album (Love Lust Faith +Dreams) and a daily obsession began for me and for my family as I felt the need to infuse the music into their lives since I wanted to go hear the band live.  I simply love Jared Leto's voice, love the lyrics, love the passion in the music, love the sound of the instruments, sometimes behind/sometimes in the forefront, of the songs.   I'm not a fan of their very first album and only like a few songs from the second (A Beautiful Lie) - but This is War and LLFD are amazing.  I cannot help myself but to play it very loud, with the top down on the convertible, singing at the top of my lungs.  It's put me in a pretty darn good mood lately. The added plus to this is that Mr. Chatterbox and Little Miss Sassy Pants loves them too - I love us enjoying the same music.  I think Mr. Happy and Mr. Cheerful are tired of the repeat play, but they will live - it makes me happy. *grin*
4. And then I started watching the music videos and peeled back a few more layers of Jared Leto content as a director (Bartholomew Cubbins), a photographer, an activist, a promoter, etc.  Oh, and Mr. Nobody, the movie I mentioned above.  Which leads into the Jared Leto obsession. You simply need to see Artifact.  It is appalling to me what I learned about labels (the record companies) and how artists get paid (of course, countered by the fact that we are just seeing one perspective of it (heaven forbid I not see, or point out, the reality of all situations)).  Or more to the point - what they don't get paid on... their albums.  It gives me a new understanding for why concert ticket prices are so darn high.  You also need to check out VyRT.  It is the beta stages of a social experience with musicians that Jared Leto created (or maybe just thought of - I don't think he's the technology behind it, just think he's the vision and push behind it).  Seeing what he is doing there combined with watching Artifact and witnessing his FB posts, tweets, instagram uploads, etc. to be connected with his fans (Echelon!) - I have a great respect for what he is doing, as an artist, to promote the band, his causes, and himself.  He is setting the bar high for musicians to establish a relationship with their listeners and I'm excited to see where VyRT goes as it transforms from a 30STMs platform to a venue for other artists. He's also tweeted about music he's listening to which has put me onto the singer Banks who also has a very haunting sound and songs I'm intrigued by.  That right there is the power to influence and I hope to see musicians that I like share more of what they like. Anyways, learning more about Jared Leto and seeing what he has done has also motivated me to be inspired.  Like he seems to be.  I want that drive and passion back in myself.
5. I've been someone else lately. With all the 'positive is a choice you make', criticism I've spent a life time hearing about my personality and self-help about being a better person that circulates the web and at work, I've been shoving so much down inside rather than getting it out that I think I'm going to burst.  I've been trying so hard to always do the right thing, not say what pops in my head (having a filter is sooooo exhausting) and play nicely with others.   I've been trying to be a positive person instead of my pessimistic, realist, negative self.  I'm kinda done with that.  You know what? If being positive is a choice I make in every situation then all you happy people can also chose to be realistic or chose to have a negative reaction to something - just the same as I do.  But you don't, because what comes naturally to you is positive.  What comes naturally to me is cynicism, skeptical instincts and dark twistiness.  That said... even being all that - I actually am happy.  Ranting makes me happy.  Being a realist makes me happy. My husband and kids make me happy.  It isn't a choice to be positive or negative - we are who we are so stop trying to make me you!  A recent FB challenge really brought it to home for me - I was challenged to write three positive things a day for 5 days.  Here is how my first day went: 1) I think it is fantastic that some people are happy, early-risers as they are the coffee makers for the remaining 76% of us.  2) I do not fart rainbows and unicorns. This is actually a very positive thing-can you really imagine hyper-spaz me on happy dust?  3) The apocalypse has not happened, therefore I get to live and breath another day. Wait... This one might not wholly count as positive *grin*.  Day 2 started with this: 1) I drove home without yelling at anyone to learn the zipper merge.  See where I'm going here?  This is me on positive.  I'll say it again... stop trying to make me you - I'm quite happy with me how I am.  (Or at least right this moment as I'm typing this; I will go back to my self-hatred after the euphoria of my daily writing pledge wears off).
6. A rude email this morning worked as a catalyst to make me want to rant and retaliate but societal constraints prevented me from actually sending the well crafted response that I had.  I hate deleting good content.  So, while I couldn't hit send, I can blog *grin*  It will be it's own blog post shortly (or maybe tomorrow, I think I've hit the time limit on my daily allotted requirement to write, journal, rant or be creative in some way). 
7. I miss baking.  It was a cathartic way for me to feel good about something I can do.  It will be part of my expressive outlet, not just writing daily.  So I might share some recipes. Or I might not.  That's one of the books that never got finished... a recipe book that started during the time frame that Mr. Cheerful went gluten-free.  He is now back on a normal diet and food allergy free (he still has a couple meds that have an anaphylactic reaction that we will not even think about challenging - avoidance is far safer).  So I can breath again (no fear can do that for you - seriously, if someone accidentally feeds my child medicine then he shouldn't have been with them in the first place...).  Which makes me want to bake, and write, again.  But that is a post of it's own, as well, that I am not writing today.
8. I have a very personal issue/fear that I faced recently and have to face again in the very near future that has affected my heart, my thoughts and my energy.  It makes me want to get shit out, say what I want to say and be who I am.  Life is so very, very short so why do I keep waiting to live mine until after the kids do this or that.  I need to redefine what it is I want for my life and then sculpt it into the life that we as a family have.  How can I tell my kids to live to their fullest if the example I'm setting is to sacrifice everything I want for someone else?  In the words of 30STM... it's time to Do or Die (except that is one of my least favorite songs - so that we are all on the same page about it...)

So... here I am.  Back for a while, ranting along.  A friend told me to know who my audience is for this blog.  Well, frankly, it's me and, hopefully, my family.  So, I hope you enjoy the ride if you are following along for it will not be focused to a single topic or premise - it will be whatever pops in my head at any given moment that I feel the need to get out because I'm actually inspired or societal norms won't let me do it where I want to (email, verbally, etc.).  Gloves off, not afraid to hurt anyone's feelings, deal with it... that'll be me, on here, for a while.  Maybe. *grin*

Ready for the Holidays?

It sounds like  most everyone is feeling that they aren't ready for the holidays this year.  Being an over-achiever, in the past I was able to keep up with stuff like that and wasn't able to commiserate with the non-stay at home moms with the balance they weren't achieving (mind you, I wasn't judging though... I tried to never be one of those moms and attempted to always be supportive - if that's not the case I really wish someone would have told me if I was being intolerable!!!).  Now that I'm back at work (and even 2 1/2 years past going back to work, it still seems like a new thing!), I find that balance is not so easy to attain and totally get how hard it is not having a bunch of daytime hours to manage my time with.  So, I thought I would make everyone who's feeling behind get a glimpse at how horribly I'm doing so that they might not feel so bad about their own list.  Doesn't that always work... "I'm doing awful, but hey Susie Que over there is doing so much worse so it doesn't seem so bad..."

So...  let's get real about how the holiday's are panning out in Happyville...

Chanukah started on Saturday December 8th.  In the middle of a meeting on Thursday, December 6th where the speaker had a heavy accent that no one could understand (you don't even want to start me on this rant... I know we need to be pc about cultural diversity, but when you are so insistent on not even attempting to be understood it seems like a really bad career choice to go into public speaking.  Okay... I said it.  Go ahead and rant back at me about how totally un-politically correct that statement was!) my mind started to wander and it suddenly hit me... holy menorah batman!...  Chanukah was due to start on Saturday.  A day and a half away Saturday.  Oy vey... a day and a half away SATURDAY!

• Chanukah Presents:  Thanks to Mr. Happy being in town, his total obsession with CostCo and my love of Barnes and Nobles... we got presents cranked out in a few hours that evening.
• Chanukah Candles: On Friday Mr. Happy counted the candles for my and Little Miss Sassy Pants' menorahs and found that we had enough leftovers from previous years to hodge podge our way through most of Chanukah.  He then stopped by the temple and picked up a couple boxes for us on Saturday since he was on that side of town at a xcSki Coaches training.

At that point I was thinking... WOW! We pulled that off without a hitch and the kid's will never know how unorganized I've become since going back to work (again... at 2 1/2 years is this allowed to be considered a growing pain?).  And then last night... Mr. Chatterbox asks 'when are we going to eat the Chanukah food?'.  

• Chanukah Food: Holy Blintzes Batman!  I forgot about our tradition of eating potato latkes with apple sauce, blintzes with sour cream and cherries, sufganoit (jelly-filled donuts) - all of which are fried in OIL! - and flourless chocolate cake that we have on the first night of Chanukah.  And then, let's not forget... the homemade challah bread that Mr. Happy started making when we couldn't find it anywhere without annatto (Mr. Cheerful's first anaphylactic allergy (we have a new one... the pepper family (as in bell, chili, banana, jalepeno, etc. - but I'm not ready to talk about that yet!)) that we use for french toast the following morning (as in first morning of Chanukah).  I've obviously strayed far, far away from my Jewish heritage to have forgotten about the FOOD!  So.. Mr. Happy to the rescue (again!!! - and he's not got a lick of Judaism in him!!!)... he's back in town today and is going to call around to see if there are any Jewish deli's or bakeries that have gluten-free, annatto-free, pepper family-free (*bleh to that mouthful, from this point forward in this post we shall refer to it as GF, AF, PF (not to be confused with MF... which I really feel like spewing right now, but I'm a lady so I won't say it!  Yea... just run with the idea of me not having a horrid potty mouth, okay?) blintzes, latkes, challah, etc. as a save for tonight.  Mostly likely, the reality is that we are either not going to do the food this year or I'm going to spend significant time Saturday (last day of Chanukah) attempting to turn all my from-scratch recipes into Bob's Red Mill All Purpose Flour recipes!  I'm sure that I will manage this on the first pass and it will all turn out amazingly yummy.  *snort*  

Side note:  This Chanukah I'm beginning to wonder if Mr. Happy is paying people to distract me so that he can keep save the day.  He has been AMAZING.  You should want for a husband as awesome as this.  But I still wonder if he's paying people so I will appreciate him more! *grin*

And then there are the GF, AF, PF* @ School Holiday items that I need to purchase or order.  There is the pizza party followed by an ice cream sundae bar on Thursday and the gingerbread houses making on Friday.  My list includes:

• Ordering a GF, AF Pizza from Dominos to be delivered at the same time as the rest of the 4th grades order.  I thought I was ahead of the game in knowing that Dominos already has a GF, AF option.  Now I have to go back and check the ingredients in the sauce to make sure that none of the pepper  family (again... of the bell, jalapeno, banana, etc. variety, not black) is making it spicy!  So... uncheck that one...
• For the Sundae Bar we need Oreos and Vanilla Ice Cream.  I've got the GF Oreos by Kinnikinnick (one of our favs!) and have the AF Vanilla Ice Cream from Izzy's on the list for this weekend's errands.
• I'm started on the GF, AF (and now PF) gingerbread (which are really graham cracker) houses, in that I've already purchased the Kinnikinnick (need to buy stock in them and in Udi's!) Graham Crackers, I know where I can get the GF, AF Pretzel Rods and we have a can of AF White Frosting as a backup in case I can't find white in the whipped variety without it having the generic 'color added' in the ingredients (3 brands so far are a bust so far).  I'm going to take a look at the GF food store where I'm getting the pretzel rods this weekend.  Beyond that, I'm not sure how much energy I will put into this before e-mailing the teacher my dilemma about my child having the wrong kind of frosting - but they had whipped underlined on the letter that came home, so I need to give it a bit more of a try before admitting defeat! 

All said and done though, I'm thinking the school food issue isn't all that behind... but... 

Did anyone remember that I have two kids with Birthdays on December 23rd?  Except... we are celebrating my, Little Miss Sassy Pants and Mr. Cool's birthday's this weekend!  Yikes!  Okay... actually, that was just dramatic effect.  We already have birthday presents.  Our only 're-org' is that I now have to work on a restaurant option that is also PF, I already had GF, AF options.  I'm thinking I will call tomorrow (Saturday) morning since we are planning to go out Saturday night.  That doesn't seem procrastinated at all, does it?

There are many staple Holiday Traditions that we have...

• Holiday lights are Mr. Happy's passion and in true Griswald fashion, he's already got stuff on the house, in the front yard, and back yard, and on the deck, possibly in the neighbors yard (okay, well, not really, but it sounded funny, didn't it?).  Again with Mr. Happy being on the ball and me not.  Pisses me off, you know?  (Ha, ha and HA... there comes that potty mouth).
• Big 4 and ABC Family Holiday shows... we've watched Blake Shelton sing, Michael Buble sing, Frosty get married, Kris Kringle get married, Kevin McAllister get left home alone and Buddy find out he isn't really an elf.  DVR'd and waiting for us are several more of the classic animatronic (? is that right, I don't think it's claymation, but maybe?) the Year w/o Santa, Miser Brothers, etc.  So I think we are in good shape on this one.  Yes, let's not discuss that I don't have any of the things I need to do on my errands list done but we've watched lots of TV.  I already know I suck as a real mom, I just play a good one on TV!
• We've been trying to get to Holidazzle and the Macy's animatronics show (this time I know I'm using the right word) since the first weekend in December but just haven't been able to make it work with schedules yet (really... why can't they do it EVERY night instead of just the weekends?).  Might end up not going AGAIN this year.  Makes it not much of a tradition, eh?  Poor Mr. Cheerful, he's getting really ripped off when you compare his childhood to his older siblings who had me as a stay-at-home mom that made everything happen without a hitch!
• Homemade Martha Stewart quality family time crafts.  'nuf said.  That's just not going to happen!  (It didn't happen at Halloween or Thanksgiving either... for the past 2 1/2 years, ya know?)
• Holiday Card.  We probably just shouldn't talk about this.  We haven't even taken a family photo yet.  We are planning to this weekend when Mr. Cool is here, but seriously... no photo yet totally translates then to the ordering of cards and mailing not done either.  What waas that?  Holiday letter?  Well... last year I did a Wordle because I ran so late.  Tacky to do that two years in a row?  And I feel bad about this because cards have been trickling in since Thanksgiving and my friends all have such amazing photos and letters.  I used to love this!  You know, back when I was stay-at-home and had an hour or so to work on stuff.  (Wait, what is that - how long did it take me to write this blog instead of doing something useful?  *feigns innocence* I don't know) 
• Conversation about the Christian aspects of Christmas... done!  Thanks to the lovely conversation Mr. Cheerful and I had about Santa (see said conversation here)
• Tree... Not yet cut, let alone placed or decorated.  On this weekend's list.  Seriously, who needs tinsel  and broken bulbs this early?
• Presents... Thanks to Mr. Happy making me go to Black Friday sales Thursday night (!?! Can it still be called black Friday when it's Thursday night?) we are mostly done.  (I.can't.believe.he.has.made.me.go.to.Black.Friday.on.Thursday.Night.two.years.in.a.row - Ugh!)  So really, now it's just the last minute pull it all out and see if we short-changed anyone then dash out to balance the loot.
• Except then there are the presents for the extended family... a few years ago we did a homemade gift that went over well.  I thought we'd do it again.  Mr. Happy (darn him!) has already bought the ingredients, errr... I mean components if you are one of my extended family reading this - components gives nothing away! *grin*... but they are sitting on the table waiting to be, um... assembled.  Yep, that's it... assembled is what we are doing to the components this weekend.  And then since Mr. Happy is off for the next 2 1/2 weeks (double darn him) he can mail it all on Monday.

Whew... anyone else tired just thinking about this?  Sounds like I have a lot to do this weekend, eh?  Are you feeling better about how much you've already got done yet?  If not, I could make some more ridiculous holiday tasks for myself ensuring a mental breakdown before I turn 43 (which would actually solve my holiday problem since my birthday is 3 days BEFORE Christmas!)...

Local Spots are Gluten Free and Ingredient Ready

With our life now drastically changed thanks to the gluten free modification to Mr. Cheerful's diet, we have mostly been eating at home which tends to be a much easier environment to control.  That said...  it is also fun to go out sometimes.  We'd heard that Pizza Luce had a vast selection of gluten free options.  Since Pizza Luce is a must when traveling to Duluth, we decided to check it out locally in St. Paul to see how they did.  All I can say is WOW!  They are now one of my favorites as an ingredient friendly place to eat as well! They have gluten free options in both the pasta and the pizza and when I needed to check on Annatto - they had a 3 ring binder with ingredients for all the components in the meal selection printed up.  It was fabulous!  Mr. Cheerful got a gluten-free pasta dish with an annatto-free roll that he absolutely loved.  

Another favorite, and since we were in the neighborhood (sort of - 10-15 minutes away is still the same neighborhood, right?), we had to stop at our favorite local ice cream place.  From the beginning of finding out about the annatto allergy, Izzy's has been incredibly helpful with ingredients - including a call from the owner to talk through with me what he would or wouldn't do (they do some ice creams with other local products incorporated in - and that was his don't... as he can't guarantee me their ingredients).  To our excitement, Mr. Cheerful did not have to get his ice cream in a cup, as I'd pre-warned him was going to have to happen because... as well as being incredibly helpful regarding ingredients - they have gluten free cones!  Woot Woot!  Gotta love my Izzy's!