this feelings coming on again
it's kicking, screaming deep inside me
I'm so tired of fighting with myself
so I pour another drink...
Oh, wait... that last line has nothing to do with writing. Or maybe, really, it does ;)
A few things have transpired in the time that I haven't been writing:
- Mr. Happy said we will never get the lake house I want if I don't finish a book. Since I am still massively affected by writer's block (which translates as hatred of all content thus far and a crushing stupidity of needing to be brilliant instead of just needing to write - thank you Facebook status posts and Twitter tweets for ruining my writing abilities!), I've decided that daily writing of something is necessary rather than just avoiding the whole issue of undesirable content and a blandness that has enveloped my life. And by something, I do not mean the length of a witty FB post or diatribe that has been my only venue of recent days (months...)...
- I've watched a couple movies lately that have motivated me to be inspired again (to be clear, I just said... motivated me to be inspired, not actually inspired). Mr. Nobody for it's take on the multiple paths in life we can take - I've always been fascinated by this, which is in part why I think I loved the book One by Richard Bach so much, so many years ago, when I read it the first time. As a teen, I had a poster of a girl at a fork in the road with signs that said something about the path taken and the path not no longer being an option. Can't remember it's exacts - the point was just that the multiple options we have in life has always intrigued me. Plus, I've got Jared Leto obsession going right now and he's in the movie. Stuck in Love wasn't necessarily a great movie, but I really liked it and the measures of writing daily, of experiencing life and of loving deeply struck a cord with me. Enemy is one of the weirdest damn movies I've seen in a while - but the twisted lucid dream-like state of the thing brought me back to a time period when I was reading guys like Kafka and Sartre. Or maybe I just thought it was a schizophrenia thing and liked the concept and bizarre imagery. Watch the movie and you decide. Regardless, it was a movie that made me think - what am I doing? I still have freaky dreams but I do nothing with them. I still have brilliance surface once in a while but I do nothing with it. People are making art, following their ideas, doing something. I'm a glorified data junkie, making muffins and picking my kids up from activities. No art resides here anymore. That's kind of sad. Like I said... a blandness has enveloped my life.
- I've reconnected with music recently. Music has always been a major influence on my life, my moods, my 'me'. While I've fallen in love with some amazing voices and enjoyed a few songs - none have inspired my obsession lately. And I love being obsessed by a band or singer - I love music that moves and affects me, not that I just like or enjoy. In comes Thirty Seconds to Mars. I'd heard a couple songs by them during their This is War album time period but hadn't really delved into them - then an article appeared online about the actor/musician cross-over. Hello Jared Leto - you have a band? Even more shocked, you have a band that I knew of. So I started listening to more songs and liked the music. Flash forward a few months and they are coming to town. Started listening to the newest album (Love Lust Faith +Dreams) and a daily obsession began for me and for my family as I felt the need to infuse the music into their lives since I wanted to go hear the band live. I simply love Jared Leto's voice, love the lyrics, love the passion in the music, love the sound of the instruments, sometimes behind/sometimes in the forefront, of the songs. I'm not a fan of their very first album and only like a few songs from the second (A Beautiful Lie) - but This is War and LLFD are amazing. I cannot help myself but to play it very loud, with the top down on the convertible, singing at the top of my lungs. It's put me in a pretty darn good mood lately. The added plus to this is that Mr. Chatterbox and Little Miss Sassy Pants loves them too - I love us enjoying the same music. I think Mr. Happy and Mr. Cheerful are tired of the repeat play, but they will live - it makes me happy. *grin*
- And then I started watching the music videos and peeled back a few more layers of Jared Leto content as a director (Bartholomew Cubbins), a photographer, an activist, a promoter, etc. Oh, and Mr. Nobody, the movie I mentioned above. Which leads into the Jared Leto obsession. You simply need to see Artifact. It is appalling to me what I learned about labels (the record companies) and how artists get paid (of course, countered by the fact that we are just seeing one perspective of it (heaven forbid I not see, or point out, the reality of all situations)). Or more to the point - what they don't get paid on... their albums. It gives me a new understanding for why concert ticket prices are so darn high. You also need to check out VyRT. It is the beta stages of a social experience with musicians that Jared Leto created (or maybe just thought of - I don't think he's the technology behind it, just think he's the vision and push behind it). Seeing what he is doing there combined with watching Artifact and witnessing his FB posts, tweets, instagram uploads, etc. to be connected with his fans (Echelon!) - I have a great respect for what he is doing, as an artist, to promote the band, his causes, and himself. He is setting the bar high for musicians to establish a relationship with their listeners and I'm excited to see where VyRT goes as it transforms from a 30STMs platform to a venue for other artists. He's also tweeted about music he's listening to which has put me onto the singer Banks who also has a very haunting sound and songs I'm intrigued by. That right there is the power to influence and I hope to see musicians that I like share more of what they like. Anyways, learning more about Jared Leto and seeing what he has done has also motivated me to be inspired. Like he seems to be. I want that drive and passion back in myself.
- I've been someone else lately. With all the 'positive is a choice you make', criticism I've spent a life time hearing about my personality and self-help about being a better person that circulates the web and at work, I've been shoving so much down inside rather than getting it out that I think I'm going to burst. I've been trying so hard to always do the right thing, not say what pops in my head (having a filter is sooooo exhausting) and play nicely with others. I've been trying to be a positive person instead of my pessimistic, realist, negative self. I'm kinda done with that. You know what? If being positive is a choice I make in every situation then all you happy people can also chose to be realistic or chose to have a negative reaction to something - just the same as I do. But you don't, because what comes naturally to you is positive. What comes naturally to me is cynicism, skeptical instincts and dark twistiness. That said... even being all that - I actually am happy. Ranting makes me happy. Being a realist makes me happy. My husband and kids make me happy. It isn't a choice to be positive or negative - we are who we are so stop trying to make me you! A recent FB challenge really brought it to home for me - I was challenged to write three positive things a day for 5 days. Here is how my first day went: 1) I think it is fantastic that some people are happy, early-risers as they are the coffee makers for the remaining 76% of us. 2) I do not fart rainbows and unicorns. This is actually a very positive thing-can you really imagine hyper-spaz me on happy dust? 3) The apocalypse has not happened, therefore I get to live and breath another day. Wait... This one might not wholly count as positive *grin*. Day 2 started with this: 1) I drove home without yelling at anyone to learn the zipper merge. See where I'm going here? This is me on positive. I'll say it again... stop trying to make me you - I'm quite happy with me how I am. (Or at least right this moment as I'm typing this; I will go back to my self-hatred after the euphoria of my daily writing pledge wears off).
- A rude email this morning worked as a catalyst to make me want to rant and retaliate but societal constraints prevented me from actually sending the well crafted response that I had. I hate deleting good content. So, while I couldn't hit send, I can blog *grin* It will be it's own blog post shortly (or maybe tomorrow, I think I've hit the time limit on my daily allotted requirement to write, journal, rant or be creative in some way).
- I miss baking. It was a cathartic way for me to feel good about something I can do. It will be part of my expressive outlet, not just writing daily. So I might share some recipes. Or I might not. That's one of the books that never got finished... a recipe book that started during the time frame that Mr. Cheerful went gluten-free. He is now back on a normal diet and food allergy free (he still has a couple meds that have an anaphylactic reaction that we will not even think about challenging - avoidance is far safer). So I can breath again (no fear can do that for you - seriously, if someone accidentally feeds my child medicine then he shouldn't have been with them in the first place...). Which makes me want to bake, and write, again. But that is a post of it's own, as well, that I am not writing today.
- I have a very personal issue/fear that I faced recently and have to face again in the very near future that has affected my heart, my thoughts and my energy. It makes me want to get shit out, say what I want to say and be who I am. Life is so very, very short so why do I keep waiting to live mine until after the kids do this or that. I need to redefine what it is I want for my life and then sculpt it into the life that we as a family have. How can I tell my kids to live to their fullest if the example I'm setting is to sacrifice everything I want for someone else? In the words of 30STM... it's time to Do or Die (except that is one of my least favorite songs - so that we are all on the same page about it...)
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