Far Far Away from My Heart

It's been a while since I was feeling ranty.  I've said that before. When I 'disappeared' before.  I have mini-outbursts (often! Poor Mr. Happy gets to hear them all), but not anything that needed to get out, to get onto paper (so to say).  But, (in the reworkings of some BoDeans lyrics) -

this feelings coming on again

it's kicking, screaming deep inside me

I'm so tired of fighting with myself

so I pour another drink... 

Oh, wait... that last line has nothing to do with writing.  Or maybe, really, it does ;)  

A few things have transpired in the time that I haven't been writing:

1. Mr. Happy said we will never get the lake house I want if I don't finish a book.  Since I am still massively affected by writer's block (which translates as hatred of all content thus far and a crushing stupidity of needing to be brilliant instead of just needing to write - thank you Facebook status posts and Twitter tweets for ruining my writing abilities!), I've decided that daily writing of something is necessary rather than just avoiding the whole issue of undesirable content and a blandness that has enveloped my life.  And by something, I do not mean the length of a witty FB post or diatribe that has been my only venue of recent days (months...)...
2. I've watched a couple movies lately that have motivated me to be inspired again (to be clear, I just said... motivated me to be inspired, not actually inspired). Mr. Nobody for it's take on the multiple paths in life we can take - I've always been fascinated by this, which is in part why I think I loved the book One by Richard Bach so much, so many years ago, when I read it the first time.  As a teen, I had a poster of a girl at a fork in the road with signs that said something about the path taken and the path not no longer being an option.  Can't remember it's exacts - the point was just that the multiple options we have in life has always intrigued me. Plus, I've got Jared Leto obsession going right now and he's in the movie.  Stuck in Love wasn't necessarily a great movie, but I really liked it and the measures of writing daily, of experiencing life and of loving deeply struck a cord with me. Enemy is one of the weirdest damn movies I've seen in a while - but the twisted lucid dream-like state of the thing brought me back to a time period when I was reading guys like Kafka and Sartre.  Or maybe I just thought it was a schizophrenia thing and liked the concept and bizarre imagery.  Watch the movie and you decide. Regardless, it was a movie that made me think - what am I doing?  I still have freaky dreams but I do nothing with them.  I still have brilliance surface once in a while but I do nothing with it.  People are making art, following their ideas, doing something.  I'm a glorified data junkie, making muffins and picking my kids up from activities.  No art resides here anymore.  That's kind of sad.  Like I said... a blandness has enveloped my life.
3. I've reconnected with music recently.  Music has always been a major influence on my life, my moods, my 'me'.  While I've fallen in love with some amazing voices and enjoyed a few songs - none have inspired my obsession lately.  And I love being obsessed by a band or singer - I love music that moves and affects me, not that I just like or enjoy.  In comes Thirty Seconds to Mars.  I'd heard a couple songs by them during their This is War album time period but hadn't really delved into them - then an article appeared online about the actor/musician cross-over.  Hello Jared Leto - you have a band?  Even more shocked, you have a band that I knew of.  So I started listening to more songs and liked the music.  Flash forward a few months and they are coming to town. Started listening to the newest album (Love Lust Faith +Dreams) and a daily obsession began for me and for my family as I felt the need to infuse the music into their lives since I wanted to go hear the band live.  I simply love Jared Leto's voice, love the lyrics, love the passion in the music, love the sound of the instruments, sometimes behind/sometimes in the forefront, of the songs.   I'm not a fan of their very first album and only like a few songs from the second (A Beautiful Lie) - but This is War and LLFD are amazing.  I cannot help myself but to play it very loud, with the top down on the convertible, singing at the top of my lungs.  It's put me in a pretty darn good mood lately. The added plus to this is that Mr. Chatterbox and Little Miss Sassy Pants loves them too - I love us enjoying the same music.  I think Mr. Happy and Mr. Cheerful are tired of the repeat play, but they will live - it makes me happy. *grin*
4. And then I started watching the music videos and peeled back a few more layers of Jared Leto content as a director (Bartholomew Cubbins), a photographer, an activist, a promoter, etc.  Oh, and Mr. Nobody, the movie I mentioned above.  Which leads into the Jared Leto obsession. You simply need to see Artifact.  It is appalling to me what I learned about labels (the record companies) and how artists get paid (of course, countered by the fact that we are just seeing one perspective of it (heaven forbid I not see, or point out, the reality of all situations)).  Or more to the point - what they don't get paid on... their albums.  It gives me a new understanding for why concert ticket prices are so darn high.  You also need to check out VyRT.  It is the beta stages of a social experience with musicians that Jared Leto created (or maybe just thought of - I don't think he's the technology behind it, just think he's the vision and push behind it).  Seeing what he is doing there combined with watching Artifact and witnessing his FB posts, tweets, instagram uploads, etc. to be connected with his fans (Echelon!) - I have a great respect for what he is doing, as an artist, to promote the band, his causes, and himself.  He is setting the bar high for musicians to establish a relationship with their listeners and I'm excited to see where VyRT goes as it transforms from a 30STMs platform to a venue for other artists. He's also tweeted about music he's listening to which has put me onto the singer Banks who also has a very haunting sound and songs I'm intrigued by.  That right there is the power to influence and I hope to see musicians that I like share more of what they like. Anyways, learning more about Jared Leto and seeing what he has done has also motivated me to be inspired.  Like he seems to be.  I want that drive and passion back in myself.
5. I've been someone else lately. With all the 'positive is a choice you make', criticism I've spent a life time hearing about my personality and self-help about being a better person that circulates the web and at work, I've been shoving so much down inside rather than getting it out that I think I'm going to burst.  I've been trying so hard to always do the right thing, not say what pops in my head (having a filter is sooooo exhausting) and play nicely with others.   I've been trying to be a positive person instead of my pessimistic, realist, negative self.  I'm kinda done with that.  You know what? If being positive is a choice I make in every situation then all you happy people can also chose to be realistic or chose to have a negative reaction to something - just the same as I do.  But you don't, because what comes naturally to you is positive.  What comes naturally to me is cynicism, skeptical instincts and dark twistiness.  That said... even being all that - I actually am happy.  Ranting makes me happy.  Being a realist makes me happy. My husband and kids make me happy.  It isn't a choice to be positive or negative - we are who we are so stop trying to make me you!  A recent FB challenge really brought it to home for me - I was challenged to write three positive things a day for 5 days.  Here is how my first day went: 1) I think it is fantastic that some people are happy, early-risers as they are the coffee makers for the remaining 76% of us.  2) I do not fart rainbows and unicorns. This is actually a very positive thing-can you really imagine hyper-spaz me on happy dust?  3) The apocalypse has not happened, therefore I get to live and breath another day. Wait... This one might not wholly count as positive *grin*.  Day 2 started with this: 1) I drove home without yelling at anyone to learn the zipper merge.  See where I'm going here?  This is me on positive.  I'll say it again... stop trying to make me you - I'm quite happy with me how I am.  (Or at least right this moment as I'm typing this; I will go back to my self-hatred after the euphoria of my daily writing pledge wears off).
6. A rude email this morning worked as a catalyst to make me want to rant and retaliate but societal constraints prevented me from actually sending the well crafted response that I had.  I hate deleting good content.  So, while I couldn't hit send, I can blog *grin*  It will be it's own blog post shortly (or maybe tomorrow, I think I've hit the time limit on my daily allotted requirement to write, journal, rant or be creative in some way). 
7. I miss baking.  It was a cathartic way for me to feel good about something I can do.  It will be part of my expressive outlet, not just writing daily.  So I might share some recipes. Or I might not.  That's one of the books that never got finished... a recipe book that started during the time frame that Mr. Cheerful went gluten-free.  He is now back on a normal diet and food allergy free (he still has a couple meds that have an anaphylactic reaction that we will not even think about challenging - avoidance is far safer).  So I can breath again (no fear can do that for you - seriously, if someone accidentally feeds my child medicine then he shouldn't have been with them in the first place...).  Which makes me want to bake, and write, again.  But that is a post of it's own, as well, that I am not writing today.
8. I have a very personal issue/fear that I faced recently and have to face again in the very near future that has affected my heart, my thoughts and my energy.  It makes me want to get shit out, say what I want to say and be who I am.  Life is so very, very short so why do I keep waiting to live mine until after the kids do this or that.  I need to redefine what it is I want for my life and then sculpt it into the life that we as a family have.  How can I tell my kids to live to their fullest if the example I'm setting is to sacrifice everything I want for someone else?  In the words of 30STM... it's time to Do or Die (except that is one of my least favorite songs - so that we are all on the same page about it...)

So... here I am.  Back for a while, ranting along.  A friend told me to know who my audience is for this blog.  Well, frankly, it's me and, hopefully, my family.  So, I hope you enjoy the ride if you are following along for it will not be focused to a single topic or premise - it will be whatever pops in my head at any given moment that I feel the need to get out because I'm actually inspired or societal norms won't let me do it where I want to (email, verbally, etc.).  Gloves off, not afraid to hurt anyone's feelings, deal with it... that'll be me, on here, for a while.  Maybe. *grin*

Food Trucks Beware: this allergy mama is headed your way!

Mr. Cheerful and I are thinking of going to a local festival that has my favorite ice cream place - Izzy's in St. Paul and Food Trucks.  I have a long standing love of both.  Izzy's is amazing in their flavor selection, quality, ease of ingredient information and friendliness when asking for said ingredients!  And food trucks, while grossly over-priced, have AMAZING food and it's just fun to walk up to one and order! *grin*  No idea why that pleases me so much!

So... anyways... back to the festival... I mean seriously... ice cream and food trucks - was there ever a question?  Mr. Cheerful cinched up the deal when we were talking about that we'd want to do off times for the food trucks because we'd have to ask about ingredients and he said

 "just because I have an allergy shouldn't mean that I don't get to do food trucks".  

BAM!  What an awful mom I have been - this one simple statement made me realize that I rave on and on and on about food trucks but have never taken him to one.  Why haven't I taken him to one?  Welcome to the world of being an allergy mom...  if my child eats annatto, a natural colorant - his lips swell up exponentially and the potential that I will have to epi him is increased every time he has a reaction.  Since he's already been epi'd and rushed to the ER, it isn't something I want to see as 'worse' next time.  My diligence since we were finally able to identify what the allergen was (the aforementioned evil natural colorant annatto), he has not had a single re-occurrence.  Thankfully - as Mr. Happy had a couple of accidental ingestion episodes early on and last year at a large gathering picnic there was a miscommunication that resulted in Mr. Cheerful eating a dish that had been brought but not ingredient checked - fortunately it turned out there was no annatto in any of the components.  But... back to over-diligence on my watch... I've dealt with the whole eating out-ingredient thing by calling in advance.  I have Mr. Cheerful look at the menu to decide what he will want and then I call and ask about the components.  When we aren't able to call in advance, we do the wait while the waitress checks on whatever it is that Mr. Cheerful wants (or might eat off someone else's plate) before we do any ordering.  Makes eating out with other families, who don't understand, a total nightmare!  Thankfully we've surrounded ourselves with compassionate and empathetic families so our friends seem to be pretty understanding - so far.  Honestly, I can't imagine being friends with someone who was so self-absorbed that having to check a life-threatening allergy would be an issue though.  But back to the original point of the blog... calling on a food truck in advance is a tad bit difficult as part of the joy in food trucks is that spontaneous decision on which one to eat at.  I suppose that I could call all of them that I know will be at the event in advance - but really?  That's a bit overboard and I'm not one of those kinda moms...  The thing is though, me being diligent about all this has a boat load of anxiety attached.  The what-ifs... what if they mess up on their ingredient check, what if he can't get what he wants then he's disappointed, what if we are putting someone out, what if there is a long line and people get frustrated waiting, what if, what if, what if!  The one that really is the stress-er though is the accidental consumption.  The fear of my child dying because someone made a mistake is awful.  However, I know that I am naturally a doom see-er, so I try to not let it paralyze me.  Ask Mr. Happy - a total worrier about stuff that will never happen is what he will tell you about me.

So... this bad mom is going to stuff her fear deep down inside and correct the sheltered youth that my child has lived by not eating at a food truck! He sounds sheltered and deprived, right?  I can't imagine a kid going through life not eating at a food truck!  So... we will look for off times when there is little to no line and then hope that the person in the truck is cool with checking on ingredients for us.  So beware St. Paul Food Trucks - an allergy mom is headed your way!

Late Night Texting

As I am sitting at my laptop working on a weekly eNews that I send for our elementary PTA... into my inbox pops the funniest message EVER!

Mr. Cheerful sent the following message to Mr. Chatterbox but accidentally put me on it too:

We should use e-mailing like texting to communicate but you'll need to be patient while the other person is emailing and tell me you are getting off and delete these as soon as you get them so we don't get in trouble NO SWEARING.

I am cracking up that Mr. Cheerful wants his big brother to not be a potty mouth    and slightly disturbed that the little turd thinks he can cover his tracks by deleting his e-mails.  I'm SOOO not telling either of them about the Sent Mail folder or reminding them that I have the password to their e-mail accounts!  

I replied:

Did you mean to send this to me too?  

You guys should TOTALLY use email to communicate back and forth (just like texting except that it's FREE!!!! whereas texting is not free!) - but not when you are supposed to be in bed sleeping.  

And you don't have to delete them because you won't get in trouble for e-mailing back and forth (because it is FREE!!!) - that's why you both have e-mail accounts.  You will only get in trouble if you are doing it when you shouldn't be - like 1/2 hour after I've sent you to bed.  Doing it when you are supposed to be in bed will result in all electronic devices being put in the kitchen, not just phones. 

And I agree - no potty mouths.  Filthy mouths will be cleaned with Disney soap. 

Love, 

Mommy 

OOOOOHHHHHH! I just can't stop laughing.  It is moments like this that I truly love being a mom and getting to see how their minds and personalities work.  Most important thing I took away from all this though... my boys are wanting to connect with each other and I far prefer that to the fighting!

I should probably explain the "Filthy mouths will be cleaned with Disney Soap" comment...  

Mr. Chatterbox is having the traditional middle school boy trying to navigate his way in the world and figure out what is cool (and not) and push any (and every) boundary he encounters.  His language has left much to be desired.  About 6 months ago after a rather awful spewing of sewage I took one of the leftover Mickey Mouse imprinted Disney Resort Soaps out of it's wrapper and had Mr. Chatterbox lather it up then put it in his mouth for 10 seconds (YES - I stole the idea from A Christmas Story!!! I'm sure that is where my parents got it when they had to do the same to me!!!).  He found it disgusting.  I was traumatized by the torturing of my son (or moreso his over-dramatized reaction to said torture that wrenched at my heart) and in a moment of brilliance (yes... yes, I did go there and called myself brilliant!  Just run with it for now, I'm sure we will have a plethora of opportunities in future posts to prove that I'm really not.  So just for now... let me feel that that moment in time WAS brilliant!) realized that I had an opportune moment to prevent it from ever happening again - I took the sucked upon soap and put it in a ziplock baggie that says "A filthy mouth gets cleaned" and then duct taped it to his wall right by his door so that he could see it, be reminded of it and hopefully make better choices later.  (Truth be told, I was hoping it would serve as a deterent for purely selfish reasons as if I have to put the soap in his mouth again his over-dramatized reaction WILL make me cry!)

It hasn't quite had the effect that I wanted (as evidenced by his little brother not wanting him to cuss in e-mails - but in his moments of doing it in front of me, all I have to do is raise one eyebrow and point at the bag (if in proximity) or say "A filthy mouth gets cleaned with Disney Soap" and he starts filtering his language.  

Not sure this was the marketing Disney had in mind for their resort soaps... but it's working for our Happy family!

Put the boy in a bubble?

I've decided that it is time to home school.  That way my children will never, ever, ever have contact with any other child ever again!*  At school, some other mother's child felt the need to tell Mr. Cheerful that Santa is not real**.  So, like any predatory creature, he chose to come to the weakest member of the herd.  Me.  As he knows that if he asked Mr. Happy, Mr. Happy would lie to him (a fact which I think Mr. Happy is actually proud of!  Yeah, yeah... all you dad's unite on that being a good trait...).  The conversation started like this "You know how you've promised to never lie to me?".  Seriously... I knew right in that moment that whatever was to come next was NOT going to be good for me and that I was totally screwed!  He then followed with so-and-so told me that Santa isn't real and he wanted to know the truth.  I did the 'what do you think's' and 'I believe in Santa' (keyword being believe - which is not a lie!).  He saw the subterfuge of my attempts to divert and not answer, so he persisted with his own 'really, squeezes into a tube?', 'hits a gazillion houses on one night', 'has reindeer that fly', etc..  Ultimately, after wearing me down (a trait he has learned well from Mr. Happy.  Yeah, yeah... dad's uniting again on this being a good thing...), I finally answered that no, not really.  As the tears welled up in his eyes I was crushed - I'd just taken the magic away from my child.  I apologized for telling him the truth and that I wished I could have lied to him but felt a little trapped because he's started the conversation with making me promise I wouldn't.  To this, he got really, really mad at me and said that he wasn't crying because the magic was gone, he was crying because I've been lying to him for YEARS.  Years.  Yikes!  I think I would have preferred the loss of magic!  The conversation then progressed to the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, Elves, Fairies, Rudolph and Reindeer.  Thinking that was a segue to redeeming myself I pounced on the reindeer aspect - as I was able to point out several zoos in which he has seen reindeer with his own eyes.  Unfortunately, he saw through that one too and somewhat condescendingly said 'yes mom, but they don't fly'.  Ugh!

Which leaves me with our Christmas traditions being based on a lie, instead of magical.  He might not believe anymore, but I think I need to.  I need for there to still be gifts from Santa.  I need us to put sparkly oats on the lawn so that the flying reindeer will see them from the sky and land on our lawn to eat them.  And then Santa can squeeze through the dryer vent to get in our house since we don't have a fireplace and we needed an orifice from the outside to the inside for Santa to squeeze into!  Laugh all you want, but how did you explain, on the spot, to a toddler how Santa gets in the house?  I need us to sprinkle reindeer food on the lawn, darn it!  Because if we don't, the realities of having a high schooler, middle schooler and upper elementary child are going to come crashing in really, really hard!  And seriously,  Mr. Cool isn't married yet and Little Miss Sassy Pants is WAY too young, so it's not like any grandchildren are coming along any time soon for me to lie to!  Wow... I'm now looking forward to lying to little children! What is next in the degradation of my life?

So, while I'm not actually serious about homeschooling my children (I mean seriously - they are in AP courses, Advanced Courses and the Gifted and Talented program - you think that would, or could, have happened if I was homeschooling them?***),  this would, in part, be a public service for all other mom's as my kid is now that 'other mother's child' that is probably telling all his friends the truth about their parents lying to them for years on end since birth.  Ugh again!

Notes:

* Homeschooling Moms:Don't get your knickers in a bunch!  NO!  I do not think that you shelter your children from other kids.  Frankly, I personally think you probably do a better job of social interactions for your kids than I do for mine.  This is meant to be humorous, not a personal attack, so take the chip off your shoulder and look for the humor because I think you guys are great and admirable in what you are doing!!!

** For all my fanatic Christian friends (you know you are but I still love you anyways...), Christmas for us IS about Christ's birth.  Same as Chanukah is a Festival of Lights and in no way goes against Christ or my now being Christian so we still celebrate it to honor the traditions by which I was raised.  And while Mr. Happy (who is a borderline fanatic Christian! *grin*) and I do make sure that our kids know that Christmas is about Christ, we do also still have the magic of Santa (which story has it was acting in honor of Christ's birth), Rudolph, Reindeer and other elements of 'mainstream' Christmas infused into our Holidays.  To say it's about Christ's birth period is wonderful for your family, but it doesn't make my family any less Christian just because we choose to have the magic woven in as well.

***This is a reflection on my abilities, not an attack on homeschooling.  From what I hear, your kids score much higher than district kids on standardized tests, ACT and SAT's.  Again, meant to be humorous and totally about me stunting my children's intellectual capacity if they were reliant on me as the sole source of brain nutrition!

Additional Note: I find it very sad what society has done to women in that I feel that I have to do these disclaimers as everyone is so incredibly hyper-sensitive.  What happened to women  bringing each other up, supporting the personal choices we make and not taking everything personal as it most likely wasn't intended that way.  I think there should be no more finger-pointing, no more misconstruing of comments and all women should be confident in their choices and supportive of each other!!!  But... that is a whole different rant!!!

BUSTED!

I was so busted tonight...

So... I have this amazing new (used) car.  We call it The Dolphin, because it's color is Dolphin Grey.  It seemed more fitting than Flipper, so just go with it!  It's got this AMAZING sound system.  After years and years of the old crickety (but I still love you and miss you ol' buddy, ol' pal) Saab that didn't get overly loud and seemed to only emanate sound from the dashboard (even though there were speakers all around...) - the volume of the Dolphin's sound and how the surround totally envelopes me in noise from every angle is just so wickedly cool.  I, admittedly, crank that baby up when I'm driving alone with the top down going (limiting myself to -- that is a whole different blog about how much power this car has and the overwhelming urge daily to just let it go to its full potential but because of my stupid black and white, rule obeying mentality can't...) 70 on the freeway.  Tonight, however, I'm driving into the garage and my (right-now) favorite song Madness by Muse comes on.  Seriously?  How could I NOT crank that up to see how amazing IT would sound in my new (used) car!?!  So... I did.  

So here is your mental picture, 42 year old MOM of 2-4 kids (2 affected my body, all 4 affect my heart) with the tunes blaring, eyes closed, dancing my heart out (while still strapped in the seatbelt - I mean, REALLY, you would think that I could have at least unbuckled!) and 'singing' (we will call it that anyways...) at the top of my lungs.  

And then I opened my eyes.  And there he was.  Mr. Cheerful.  Standing in the open doorway between the house and the garage staring at me.  My eyes met his eyes... his eyes met my eyes.. and I'm not sure which one of us was more embarrassed.  He, with flippin' amazing speed that I never see when there is a chore to be done, did an about-face and hauled arse back into the house.  I, promptly, turned off my car and slowly came inside to witness him giving a pretty accurate, but horrifying to realize he'd seen me jamming in my driver's seat for that long, demo to Mr. Happy of my car dancing.

Joy!

Local Spots are Gluten Free and Ingredient Ready

With our life now drastically changed thanks to the gluten free modification to Mr. Cheerful's diet, we have mostly been eating at home which tends to be a much easier environment to control.  That said...  it is also fun to go out sometimes.  We'd heard that Pizza Luce had a vast selection of gluten free options.  Since Pizza Luce is a must when traveling to Duluth, we decided to check it out locally in St. Paul to see how they did.  All I can say is WOW!  They are now one of my favorites as an ingredient friendly place to eat as well! They have gluten free options in both the pasta and the pizza and when I needed to check on Annatto - they had a 3 ring binder with ingredients for all the components in the meal selection printed up.  It was fabulous!  Mr. Cheerful got a gluten-free pasta dish with an annatto-free roll that he absolutely loved.  

Another favorite, and since we were in the neighborhood (sort of - 10-15 minutes away is still the same neighborhood, right?), we had to stop at our favorite local ice cream place.  From the beginning of finding out about the annatto allergy, Izzy's has been incredibly helpful with ingredients - including a call from the owner to talk through with me what he would or wouldn't do (they do some ice creams with other local products incorporated in - and that was his don't... as he can't guarantee me their ingredients).  To our excitement, Mr. Cheerful did not have to get his ice cream in a cup, as I'd pre-warned him was going to have to happen because... as well as being incredibly helpful regarding ingredients - they have gluten free cones!  Woot Woot!  Gotta love my Izzy's!